Showmance'
"Let me be the one to break the silence. That was the most offensive thing I've seen in 20 years of teaching. And that includes an elementary-school production of 'Hair.'"
Preggers'
"Not everyone's going to have the walnuts to take a pro-littering stance, but I will not rest until every inch of our fair state is covered in garbage. That's why I pay taxes. It keeps garbage men working so they can afford tacos. To feed their families."
'Preggers'
"And to the naysayers who say you can't strike children on their bare buttocks with a raw bamboo stick I say, 'YES WE CANE.'"
'Preggers'
"You know, there's a question I get asked a lot. Whether I'm accepting an honorary doctorate or performing a citizen's arrest, people ask me, 'Sue, what's your secret?' Well, I'll tell you my secret, western Ohio. Sue Sylvester's not afraid to shake things up. You know, I'm tired of hearing people complain, 'I'm riddled with this disease!' or 'I was in that tsunami!' To them, I say 'Shake it up a bit! Get out of your box! Even if that box happens to be where you're living.' I'll often yell at homeless people. 'Hey, how's that homelessness working out for ya? Give not being homeless a try, huh?' You know something, Ohio? It's not easy breaking out of your comfort zone. People will tear you down, tell you you shouldn't have bothered in the first place, but let me tell you something. There's not much of a difference between a stadium full of cheering fans and an angry crowd screaming abuse at you. They're both just making a lot of noise. How you take it is up to you. Convince yourself they're cheering for you. You do that, and someday, they will!"
'Vitamin D'
"Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today. It began at dawn, when I tried to make a smoothie out of beef bones, breaking my juicer. And then at Cheerios practice, disaster! It was unmistakable. It was like spotting the first spark on the Hindenburg. A quiver! That quiver will lose us Nationals. And without a championship, I'll lose my endorsements. And without those endorsements, I won't be able to buy my hovercraft. Glee Club. Every time I try to destroy that clutch of scab-eating mouth-breathers, it only comes back stronger, like some sexually-ambiguous horror movie villain. Here I am, about to turn 30, and I've sacrificed everything, only to be shanghaied by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal of doughy, misshapen teens. Am I missing something, Journal? Is it me? Of course it's not me. It's Will Schuester! What is it about him, Journal? Is it the arrogant smirk? Is it the store-bought home perm? It's coming clear to me now. If I can't destroy the club, I will have to destroy the man."
Vitamin D'
"Let me be frank. Your husband is hiding his kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket that doesn't belong to you."
Throwdown'
"Santana! Wheels! Gay kid! Asian! Other Asian! Aretha! And Shaft! See, Will? I don't want to participate in any group that ignores the needs of minority students."
'Mash-up'
"I'll need to see that set list for sectionals after all. I want it on my desk warm from the laminator at 5 p.m. and if it is one minute late I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat and then on some dark cold night I will steal away into your home and punch you in the face."
Wheels'
"If I have a pregnant girl doing a handspring into a double layout, the judges aren't going to be admiring her impeccable form, they're going to be wondering if the centrifugal force is going to make the baby's head start crowning."
Mattress'
"You're too busy chasing tail and loading your hair with enormous amounts of product. Today, it just looks like you put lard in it."
'Sectionals'
"You'll be adding revenge to the long list of things you're no good at, right next to being married, running a high school glee club and finding a hairstyle that doesn't look like a lesbian."
'Sectionals'
"Get ready for the ride of your life, Will Schuester. You're about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: Horror!"
